Your Greatest Wins (and Losses) Will Come from the People You Let Into Your Life

Listen to an extended conversation around this newsletter with Bart and Sunny:

Everything in our lives revolves around relationships. Whether it’s our connection with people, our environment, or even the objects we own, relationships shape our experiences, decisions, and outcomes. We have relationships with our cars, our clothing, our homes, money, and of course, the people around us. The quality of these relationships determines the quality of our lives… so let’s discuss how we can increase the quality of our lives by up-leveling the quality of our relationships with the people in our lives.

The Secret to Winning

Success in life isn’t just about what you know—it’s about who you surround yourself with. Every major turning point, every great achievement, and every crushing setback can usually be traced back to a relationship. The people in our lives influence our thinking, our decisions, and ultimately, our outcomes. If you really sit and think about that statement, it’s a really big deal! The people in your life directly affect your outcomes in life!

With that in mind, it’s important to know not all relationships are created equal. Some will push you forward, while others will hold you back. Understanding the difference is key to influencing your entire life.

The People in Your Life Shape Who You Become

The people in your life shape who you become, but before pointing fingers at others, ask yourself: Would you want to be in a relationship with you? Too often, we blame our circumstances or the people around us without first reflecting on our own flaws, habits, and contributions. The key to building extraordinary relationships isn’t just about choosing the right people—it’s also about being the right person.

How do you show up as a partner in your relationships? In your home, do you take the time to be aware of what needs to be done and take action without being asked? Do you elevate your environment and leave things better than you found them (that includes emotionally!)? The same principle applies to business—do you bring solutions, create value, and ensure that every collaboration is better because of your presence?

Strong relationships fuel personal growth, success, and fulfillment, while unhealthy connections can drain you and keep you stuck. The key to extraordinary relationships isn’t just shared experiences, but intentional, high-value connections that challenge and inspire you to be your best.

Think about this:

• When you need guidance, God or the Universe sends you a person to help you. Your goal? To be that person for someone else.

• You know you’re on the right path when people in your life say, “I thank God for you.”

• When negativity, destruction, or manipulation enters your life, it often comes through a person as well. Choose your close relationships wisely.

The Relational Value Ladder

Not all relationships are equal. It’s important to understand the different levels of connection so can be more intentional about who you align with.

1. Acquaintances – Low commitment, low expectations. These are casual relationships that don’t require deep trust or involvement. Bart calls these relationships “Gym Relationships” because it’s like the people you may know at a gym. You recognize them, you know who they are, you say hello, but that’s as far as it goes.

2. Friendships – A step up in commitment. These relationships involve shared experiences and mutual support but may still be surface-level. These would be the type of people you meet at a shared experience such as an event. Bart calls these “Coffee Relationships.” Again, a step up from an acquaintance because he invited them to go to lunch or go get a coffee together somewhere. It’s another touch point that is getting closer to his ecosystem. At this point, the person he invited doesn’t know any of his friends or family - it’s still a surface level relationship.

3. Close Friendships/Committed Relationships – These involve long-term trust, deep emotional investment, and shared growth. Bart calls these “Come to My House Relationships.” At this point in the relationships, he has invited someone to dinner with his friends or family. They are getting to know Bart at a deeper level through his other relationships and his environment.

4. Covenant Relationships – The rarest and most powerful. Deep loyalty, sacred trust, and ride-or-die commitment. These connections create the most impact but are also the most tested. Bart calls these relationships “Partnerships.” There is a much deeper level of commitment and trust. These can be friends, business partners, or significant others. These are the friends you can call at 2:00 AM when you are 5 hours away with a broken down horse trailer and they will immediately jump in their trucks to come and help you.

Too many people rush into deep friendships, romantic relationships, or commitments after one great night out or a single shared experience, thinking they’ve found their lifelong person or their new business partner. But true partnerships take time to build.

The Four Outcomes of Relationships

Every relationship you engage with affects your nervous system - either regulating and strengthening you or destabilizing and exhausting you. The key is to identify which category your relationships fall into and make conscious choices to move toward healthier dynamics.

Lose-Lose:
Neither person benefits. These relationships are toxic, full of resentment, negativity, or dysfunction. They drain energy, create unnecessary drama, and leave both parties worse off than before.

Example: Two business partners constantly competing, undermining each other, and ultimately causing their business to fail.

Win-Lose:
One person gains at the expense of the other. One individual benefits while the other sacrifices, often leading to resentment or burnout. These relationships can be manipulative or one-sided, where one person gives endlessly while the other takes.

Example: A friend who always relies on you for support but is never there when you need them.

Win-Win:
Both people benefit, but codependency can arise. On the surface, these relationships are positive because both parties gain value. However, if not managed properly, they can create codependency, where both individuals rely too much on each other for validation or fulfillment. Codependency happens when your emotional state becomes overly reliant on another person’s moods and actions. If their energy is off, yours crashes too.

Example: A couple that builds each other up but also avoids individual growth because they fear upsetting the balance, or when one partner feels an unhealthy need for the other’s approval and struggles to function independently.

Win-Win-Win:
The Gold Standard. You win, they win, and the relationship itself becomes a force for good. This is the ideal dynamic where both individuals grow independently while supporting each other. The relationship creates ripple effects, benefiting not just the two people involved, but also their families, communities, or businesses.

Example: A business partnership where both partners bring complementary skills, make each other better, and create a product or service that improves their customers' lives.

How to Move Toward More Win-Win-Win Relationships

• Audit your relationships. Are they lifting you up or holding you back? Remember to look at yourself and make sure you aren’t projecting! We don’t have time to dive super deep into that here, but this can be tricky if you aren’t aware of it!

• Set clear expectations and boundaries. Ensure both parties understand what success looks like.

• Seek partnerships where you contribute from a place of strength, not lack.

• Be willing to walk away from Lose-Lose and Win-Lose dynamics.

The best relationships help you become the best version of yourself while empowering the other person to do the same. Choose wisely.

The Three Keys to Thriving Relationships

Bruce Lipton, a renowned cell biologist and author, describes how in biology there are some molecules that are inherently complete and stable on their own, while others are incomplete and require bonding with other molecules to achieve stability. These incomplete molecules seek attachments, often forming chemical bonds out of necessity rather than choice.

This directly mirrors human relationships: some people feel whole within themselves, emotionally independent and fulfilled, while others feel incomplete, believing they need another person to “fill in the gaps” of their life (often this happens at a subconscious level). When two incomplete people form a relationship - whether in business, friendship, or romance - they often develop dependency or dysfunction, relying on each other for validation, security, or self-worth. This becomes a “Need-Need” or a “Need-Want” relationship and can lead to toxic dynamics, resentment, or an inability to thrive independently.

On the other hand, when two whole, complete individuals choose to come together, they complement rather than complete each other. They build something greater—not out of desperation, but out of shared vision, values, and mutual contribution. These are the most fulfilling and successful partnerships. These are “Want-Want” relationships because neither partner really “needs” the other, they choose each other.

Here are the three keys to create a thriving relationship in your life!

1. Align with Shared Values and Vision

   • Does this relationship align with your core values and long-term vision?

   • Are you both moving in the same direction, or will this connection pull you off course?
     

2. Commit to Mutual Growth and Contribution

   • Are you both committed to elevating and challenging each other?

   • Are you bringing your best to the relationship, or just expecting to receive?

   • In your home or business, do you actively contribute, take responsibility, and leave things better than you found them?
     

3. Check Your Motives and Emotional Maturity

   • Are you seeking this relationship out of loneliness, fear, or a need for validation?

   • Would you want to be in a relationship with yourself?

   • Are you approaching this connection from a place of strength, or hoping the other person will fill a gap in your life?

Final Thoughts!

Great relationships should be 100/100, not 50/50. The best ones happen when two strong, independent people come together by choice—not because they’re trying to fill each other’s gaps. Many people enter relationships out of neediness or desperation, hoping to find someone who will complete them. That’s dangerous.

But what happens when two powerful, whole individuals who don’t need each other choose to build something together? They go on to create something extraordinary.

If you’re in a desperate place, be very careful before jumping into a deep commitment - that goes for business and in personal relationships. The right people will help you rise higher. The wrong ones will pull you down.

Choose wisely. Take massive action. And play to win.

Life Updates:

• Xander performed in a jazz festival at BYU-I last Saturday. His band sounded amazing - really, really good! He also had a concert last night where he again played in the varsity jazz band, as well as the wind ensemble. It’s so fulfilling and such a joy to go and hear him play. He stood up and did a little improv halfway through the concert and he killed it! He also had a little fun - he borrowed Bart’s Meta glasses and took some fun videos from on stage. At one point, him and another player thought they were missing some music for their next song - so we got to see how that played out through his meta video. Pretty funny!

• Bart and our daughter, Mercedes, shot more content for Insta and TikTok yesterday, so Sunny got Lyla duty. Win-win-win relationship there - haha!

• We have sold quite a few tickets to our I Do Epic LIVE event this week! If you are thinking about joining us, make sure you get it done soon before we sell out! This event is like no other - if you are even considering it, jump in now before it’s too late!

• We are heading to play in a local pickleball tournament today in just a couple of hours! Barely signed up… Sunny is not feeling like she is ready, but we are just going to go have some fun and, of course, play full out!

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