When Life Takes Your Cookies, Take Back the Damn Jar: How to Free Yourself From Mental Traps in an Instant

Listen to an expanded conversation between Bart and Sunny around this newsletter:

There’s a kind of pain that’s deeper than frustration.

A kind of exhaustion that’s beyond being tired.

A kind of hopelessness that makes you question, What’s the point of even trying anymore?

If you’ve ever been there—you know.

Maybe it was a business failure that blindsided you. You feel powerless. You don’t know what to do to fix it, and you start to feel like it’s not the business that’s a failure… but you.

Maybe it was waking up, looking in the mirror, and hating what you saw. You want to lose weight, but feel powerless - like you are trapped in a cycle of failed diets, self-criticism, and frustration.

Maybe it was sitting at the dinner table with your family, trying to act normal, while inside you felt like you were slowly disappearing. You feel powerless—like no matter what you do, you can’t “fix” yourself.

When life isn’t going the way we expected, we start to feel like we’ve lost control. And when we feel powerless for too long, it can break us.

But what if we told you—you haven’t actually lost control at all?

We’ve been there. That gut-punch moment when we felt what we thought was control slip away, leaving us stuck, drained, or questioning everything. It’s rough—but it’s not the end of the road.

Two brilliant minds (and a cookie-loving poet) showed us how to turn it around.

Prospect Theory: It’s All About the Frame

In 1981, Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky revealed something shocking: the way information is framed—NOT the facts themselves—determines our decisions.

Imagine you're considering surgery. The odds are exactly the same but the doctor presents the odds in two different ways.

Scenario 1 (Gain-Framed): “This surgery has a 90% survival rate.”

• This sounds reassuring—you focus on the high chance of survival.

• Because it’s framed as a positive/gain, you feel safe and are more likely to proceed with the surgery.

• Your brain says, “90% success? That’s pretty good. Let’s go for it.”

• Gain-framing makes us risk-averse—we prefer the safer, more certain option.

Scenario 2 (Loss-Framed): “This surgery has a 10% chance of death.”

• This sounds terrifying—you focus on the risk of dying, not the 90% chance of survival.

• Because it’s framed as a negative/loss, your brain perceives it as much riskier than it actually is.

• Your brain says, “Wait… 10% chance of dying? That sounds dangerous. Do I really need this surgery? Are there other options?”

• Loss-framing makes us more likely to seek alternatives (even if they’re riskier).

This is prospect theory in action:

💡 When something is framed as a gain (90% survival), we play it safe and accept the option.

💡 When something is framed as a loss (10% chance of death), we feel fear and may take riskier actions to avoid that outcome—like skipping the surgery or looking for alternative treatments, even if they’re less proven.

We think we’re in control of our choices, but we’re actually being led by the way we see the situation. We don’t make decisions based on logic—we make decisions based on how a situation is framed.

How This Ties to Autonomy

If how a situation is framed can change how we feel about it, then what does that mean for the moments in life when we feel completely powerless?

It means that we’re never actually powerless—we just feel that way when our sense of control is taken from us.

And that brings us to autonomy—our deep, psychological need to feel like we have control over our lives. Because when we feel like we’re the ones in the driver’s seat, we don’t just survive hard times—we rise above them.

Autonomy: The Power to Reclaim Control

At our core, we all crave autonomy—the ability to steer our own ship. Psychologists call it a fundamental human drive (thanks to Self-Determination Theory), because when we feel in control of our choices, we feel confident, capable, and purposeful.

But when that control is stripped away—when life blindsides us with failure, uncertainty, or loss—we don’t just stumble. We feel lost.

Here’s the good news: autonomy isn’t about controlling everything—it’s about reclaiming the one thing you always own: your perspective.

And this is where prospect theory becomes a game-changer. If the way something is framed can shift your emotions in an instant, then you have the power to reframe your reality—right now.

You don’t have to wait for external circumstances to change to feel in control again. You just have to take back the lens you’re looking through.

If you feel stuck right now, this might be the exact shift you need.

Four Stories That Prove Perspective Changes Everything

1. Bart’s Breaking Point—And the Voice That Changed Everything

Bart went through a period of deep depression—so deep he didn’t know how to get out. It got so bad he was sitting in bed with a gun next to him, seriously considering pulling the trigger.

Bart isn’t the type of person to make empty threats. If he was thinking about it, he was dangerously close to doing it.

Then, in the middle of his despair, he heard a voice inside his head.

"You hire the best coaches in the world to push you hard and help you achieve your biggest goals. But when I challenge you—to help you grow—you just want to give up?"

It hit him like a shockwave.

In that instant, everything flipped.

He realized that if God (or the Universe, or whatever you want to call a higher power) was challenging him to become everything he could be, then he was willing to do the push-ups.

👉 One second, Bart was so defeated he was ready to give up on life. The next, he was ready to take on the world.
👉 Nothing external changed. Only his perspective did.

2. The Man on the Subway—A Moment of Instant Perspective Shift

Imagine this: A man sat on a subway, lost in thought, while his young children ran wild around the car. They were loud, disruptive—bumping into people, yelling, completely oblivious to the annoyed glances from the other passengers.

It wasn’t long before the frustration boiled over. Someone finally turned to the man and said, “Sir, your children are disturbing everyone. Could you please control them?”

The man slowly looked up, as if waking from a fog. His voice was quiet, almost distant.

“I’m sorry… we just left the hospital. Their mother died this morning. I don’t even know how to tell them.”

In an instant, the atmosphere in the subway car completely changed.

The passengers who had been glaring at the children softened. The judgment that had been so clear just moments before was replaced with compassion.

👉 One second, they were angry. The next, they were compassionate.
👉 Nothing external changed. Only their perspective did.

3. The Cookie Thief—And the Embarrassment of Being Wrong

The "Cookie Thief" poem, often shared by Wayne Dyer, is a brilliant example of how our assumptions can be completely wrong—and how a single shift in perspective can change everything.

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

She munched cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy "cookie thief" diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye!"

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she watched what he’d do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other.
She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother,
This guy has some nerve, and he’s so rude,
Why, he didn’t even show any gratitude!"

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then reached in her bag to find something to eat.
She gasped with surprise—there her cookies lay!
Untouched, untouched, and neatly in place.

If mine are here, she moaned with despair,
Then the others were his, and he tried to share!
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

How this instantly shifted her reality:
👉 She was absolutely certain she was the victim of a selfish thief.
👉 The moment new information appeared, reality flipped on its head.
👉 The problem wasn’t the man. The problem was her perspective.

4. Broken, Sharpened, and Unstoppable: A Soldier’s Greatest Battle

This story, paraphrased from an event Bart attended, is about a highly, highly decorated soldier—a true leader, on his final deployment the day before returning home. It was supposed to be a routine mission. His team cleared the area, but as he stepped forward, everything changed.

💥 He stepped on a landmine.

The next thing he knew, he woke up in a hospital thousands of miles away in the United States—missing both legs and an arm.

Rage consumed him. Why? He had done everything right. Served his country. Completed his mission. And now, the life he expected was ripped away in an instant.

He didn’t want to see anyone. He refused visitors, and lashed out at every doctor and nurse who walked into his room.

Until one day, a small Hispanic nurse walked in. She had been handling all the gifts that had been sent to him (all of which he hated) and was making sure everything was being taken care of.

When he barked at her to leave, she calmly replied:

“You can be as mean as you want, but I’m not going anywhere and you currently can’t do anything about it.. so, listen.”

One of the gifts this soldier had been sent was a box of coloring pencils from an elementary school classroom. She picked one of the pencils up and held it in front of him.

“I know you’ve been an instructor, a leader, and a soldier. You’re life has changed dramatically but you need to realize something.

She snapped the pencil in half.

“God saw all your potential, so He broke you. And now, just like this pencil, you are being sharpened.”

She grabbed a pencil sharpener and continued to sharpen one end.

“Sharpening is painful. And He has turned you around and sharpened the other side too. Once you are sharpened, you will change the world. You will fulfill the rest of your calling—not just as a soldier, but as a human being.”

Tears streamed down his face.

He looked at her and said, “I have been in the presence of the President of the United States. I have been mentored by some of the greatest and most powerful drill sergeants in the world. And you are the greatest drill sergeant I have ever had placed in front of me.”

At that moment, he realized his story wasn’t over—it was just beginning.

He made a choice: to live with purpose. To take on life with a smile instead of anger.

And before this event, he even ran a half-marathon—to prove to himself and others that no matter what happens, we all have a purpose.

And he wouldn’t change a thing.

How to Flip the Script When Life Feels Hopeless

Here’s the takeaway:

💡 You may feel trapped right now—but what if you’re just looking at the situation from the wrong angle?

💡 You may feel like life is taking from you—but what if it’s handing you exactly what you need to grow?

💡 You may feel like the victim of a situation—but what if you’re the one holding the cookies?

Perspective is power.

And the good news? You don’t need to change your situation to reclaim it. You just need to change the way you see it. Because, friend, the shift doesn’t fix the mess. It fixes you. And that’s where the real win lives.

Next time life’s messing with you—goals stalling, cookies vanishing—ask:
🔥What’s my frame? Am I stuck, or am I just mid-story?
🔥What’s another way to look at this?
🔥 What if this situation is setting me up instead of breaking me down?
🔥 What if I already have what I need—I just haven’t realized it yet?

Because when life takes your cookies… it’s time to take back the damn jar.

What’s your “cookie thief” moment? Hit reply—we’re all ears.

Until next time,
Bart & Sunny
Reframing life, one cookie at a time.

Life Updates:

• We packed up on Wednesday and headed to the big ‘ole town of
  Boise, Idaho. We are attending a 3-day event all about how to get organic leads! It was a last-minute decision but we are excited to come back with a lot of great frameworks and software know-how!

• Bart’s pickleball tournament partner, Matt Frew, happens to live in Boise…and they are competing next weekend at the PPA Tour in St. George, Utah! This business event was the perfect timing for that. Bart and Matt practiced Wednesday evening… and I am sure there will be more practice going on before we leave!

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