When Frameworks Fall Away: Leaving Our Religion and Our Journey to Authentic Self-Discovery

Listen to an expanded conversation between Bart and Sunny around this newsletter:

The Catalyst of Change 🌟

Every transformation begins with a single decision—the decision to step into something greater.

For years, we have been obsessed with unlocking human potential. We've witnessed firsthand how the right identity shifts can take a person from struggling to thriving, hesitant to magnetic, and overwhelmed to unstoppable. 

But it wasn’t always this way.

Breaking Free: The Story of Our Beginnings 🛤️

We both grew up in a deeply conservative religion, in a time before the internet connected the world. Our families didn’t have the means to travel beyond our small, ultra-conservative pocket of Idaho, so our worldview was shaped entirely by those around us—the adults in our lives, the scriptures, and the overarching leaders of our church. The path to a "worthy life" was laid out for us: choose God, be "good," and follow the rules. Almost everyone in our community belonged to the church, so conformity wasn’t just encouraged—it was expected.

We were told what we could and couldn’t say, wear, eat, drink, or even pursue as a career. The boundaries of our lives were drawn by religious doctrine, leaving little room for personal exploration or self-discovery.

A Turning Point: Bart's Defining Moment 🚪

Bart was just a small boy of about 10 years old when he made a decision that completely changed the trajectory of his life—he ran away from home.

His parents had recently separated, and he was living with his mom and siblings in Utah. One cold, snowy night, something his mom said or did triggered him, and he knew he was leaving. Unlike most kids who make empty threats to run away, Bart followed through. He announced his plan as he was carrying it out: “Mom, I’m running away!” He even had the foresight to call a neighbor, a local cop, to inform him of his decision. Then, he ran straight out the front door.

At first, his mom probably didn’t take him too seriously because we think that all of us at one time or another have threatened to run away from home when we were little. But when she realized he was really gone, panic set in. Outside, Bart hid behind a snowbank, shivering in nothing but a thin coat, listening as his mom frantically called for him. He stayed silent, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

His next memory was of the local cop finding him and bringing him inside. He was given a warm blanket, a bed, and the sound of hushed phone calls filled the room as he drifted off to sleep.

When he woke up, both of his parents were there—and they were furious. His mother, outraged by his choice to live with his father, had brought a suitcase with all of his belongings in the world. But the final words Bart heard from her, reinforced by a local church leader, were that he was an absolutely worthless little boy.

That moment planted two deep seeds in Bart’s psyche—distrust in authority and a profound feeling of unworthiness. He spent years trying to fit in, striving to be the ideal church member, but he could always see the cracks in the foundation. And he had a tendency to push back against the idea that the church was the only path to truth.

Sunny's Perfect Bubble: A Sheltered Life 🌐

Sunny, on the other hand, grew up in what seemed like the perfect family bubble. No major traumatic events disrupted her belief system, and she never experienced life outside the church. Her parents were loving and kind, though financially struggling. Despite her family's financial struggles, she learned to find happiness beyond material wealth. She fully embraced everything she was told, shaping her desires and goals to fit within the framework she was given. She prayed daily, read the scriptures religiously, and did everything in her power to be the kind of person deemed “worthy” of salvation.

But in a world where obedience was the highest virtue, there was little room for spiritual or emotional growth. She followed, rather than questioned. She adapted, rather than explored. Even her dreams were shaped by doctrine—when she aspired to a music career, she was told it wasn’t in line with her true calling: to become a strong mother within the church.

Fast forward to our college years. Sunny was 18, and Bart was 21, newly returned from a two-year mission in Japan. He still had lingering questions about the church, but he was doing his best to fit in and follow. We met in September, got engaged in October, and were married by February.

That was 30 years ago.

We built our lives the way we were taught—marrying in the church, following its principles, and raising our four children according to its guidelines. But with our contrasting backgrounds, friction was inevitable—Bart questioned, while Sunny fully believed.

For 25 years, we wrestled with this dynamic.

Then, in 2020, everything changed.

The Great Awakening: Realizing Our True Selves 🌼

Ironically, it was Sunny who was the catalyst. She wasn’t looking to leave the church, but she followed a trail of breadcrumbs that led her to a moment of profound cognitive dissonance—when deeply held beliefs collide violently with undeniable truth.

For the first time, she saw the invisible walls that had shaped her entire existence. And once she saw them, she couldn’t unsee them.

When we both awakened to the realization that our lives had been dictated by external forces—not by our own choices—we became relentless in our pursuit of freedom. We committed to living fully together, playing full out, and reclaiming the energy, passion, and aliveness that had been dormant inside us for decades.

That awakening set us on a path we never expected—one that would challenge everything we thought we knew and force us to redefine success, freedom, and purpose.

Why We Share Our Story 💬

We share these stories because we understand that encountering a moment when a long-held framework collapses is almost a rite of passage. At some point, everyone faces a time where the structures they believed in and lived by disintegrate, leaving them to gather the pieces and try to figure out a new path forward. Or, suddenly, you wake up and realize the life you have been living is no longer serving you. This can be leaving a religion, a marriage, losing a job or changing careers, significant health challenges, social beliefs… and so many more.

For us, this fallen framework ignited the fire within us to discover who we truly are and why we believe what we believe. It set us on a path we never intended to take. By sharing our journey and the steps we took to arrive at where we are today, we aim to empower you to construct an energetic, fulfilling life should you ever find yourself navigating the fallout of your own structural collapses.

Journey to Self-Discovery When Your Frameworks Fall: 8 Transformative Steps

✅ Step 1: Acknowledge the Grief
When we left the church, Sunny (more than Bart) experienced the full range of a grief cycle. She was angry, hurt, felt betrayed, confused, and sad. At the same time, she struggled with shame because she was taught to never doubt this religion. This took some time to sit with, work through, and heal. It’s not really a process that can be rushed, but is one to be patient with. It is a loss, and loss is painful.

✅ Step 2: Reframe the Past
There are many people we know who have left the church and we find they can’t wait to get some good ‘ole church bashing in. While we understand it, we are not about this at all. We recognize the good as well as the bad in all things. We understand everyone is on their own path and we personally feel the need to honor that.

Once we got through the grief cycle, it was important for us to reframe our past. In other words, we needed to shift our narrative from victimhood and bitterness to one of strength and empowerment. It’s all about seeing what happened to us as a crucial step in our personal growth and development. Make sense?

✅ Step 3: Seek Support
We were lucky because we had each other to lean on for support. If you don’t have that, look for a support network you can plug into that is not only supportive, but positive!

✅ Step 4: Explore Your Core Values
We had to take a deep dive into self-discovery. If we no longer believed everything we had been taught since childhood… what do we believe? Who are we? What values do we feel are important or not? This can be tricky if you have been programmed to believe a certain way for a really long time. Don’t be afraid to jump into all kinds of new thoughts and ideas - this can be a really fun time to sift through all kinds of new perspectives and beliefs you probably have never considered before!

✅ Step 5: Experiment and Explore:
Engage in new activities and spiritual practices that align with your newly discovered values and interests. And, actually, just engage in new activities that are fun, too! This is the time you get to experiment and explore who you really are! When we first left the church, Sunny just kept keepin’ on like she always had and she felt fine with that… until one day Bart said to her, “Sunny, you are almost exactly the same person since you left the church.” She was okay with that until she sat and thought about it…. she was still not stepping into anything new or really experimenting or exploring her life. She wasn’t playing full out!

✅ Step 6: Reconstruct Your Identity
This can be SO FUN. In fact, we recommend doing this whenever you feel like it. We get so caught up in “this is just my personality” or “this is my identity.” Well how about you get to choose whenever you want to shake things up?! Life is meant to be lived boldly and out loud - so, do it!

✅ Step 7: Empowerment through Action
Actively live out who you want to be. Make deliberate choices that reflect your true self.

✅ Step 8: Reflect and Adjust
Maintain a cycle of reflection and adjustment so you can continually grow and adapt as new circumstances or new insights arise. Flow and allow versus being rigid and stuck in thought patterns or belief systems. Think expansively instead of contrictively!

Break Free and Embrace the True You! 🚀

Stepping out of old frameworks (whether unintentionally or intentionally) can feel like finally taking off shoes that never quite fit. If you’re feeling hemmed in by old beliefs or outdated structures, why not explore what happens when you step out of them? The most profound transformations start when you have the courage to leave behind what no longer serves you. Are you ready to step out and see what you’re truly capable of?

Life Updates:

• Xander got to participate in another jazz festival - a regional festival hosted at his private saxophone teacher’s school. His band got a superior rating 🙂 

• We are now heading to Boise on the 22nd through the 24th for a workshop on an organic lead system that is supposed to be EPIC. Stay tuned on what we learn!

• We have been consistently hitting both the gym and pickleball this week. Staying fit and using our bodies is one of the ways we love to play full out. Plus - we get to do it together and we love it!

• We are announcing a new name change for Bart’s Instagram from Bart to Bart and Sunny! We are going to have way too much fun talking about how we do things as a couple - from family, to business, to our own personal relationship and life. AND of course we’ll throw in some funny reels… cause why not?

• WHAT ELSE? Life is good! Kids are all healthy and little Lyla is now laughing, grabbing our faces and toys, is rolling a little… and is always down to play!

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